WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
