She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Randomize
