If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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