my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
false alarm, still single
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