Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
