Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
