You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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