Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
