It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
