I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
