Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
