I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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