Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
