my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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