Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
