If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I love you. Go after that dick
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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