I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
