So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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