you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
