woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
