dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
