and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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