I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think your dad took our porno
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Bring me that man meat
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
