yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
