mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
