Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
