They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
