Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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