i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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