wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
sex in a hospital.. check
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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