can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
