Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
