You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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