When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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