fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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