The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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