Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
