If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
