A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
