I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
