I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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