He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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