Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
