Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
