ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
