Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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