i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
