Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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