If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
