I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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